++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++



This is current info - consider it a Spoiler for current players

All journal entries linked off this page are also in this catagory



++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++

A New Dawning

I sat this morning, reading back over some of my journals, and I can't help but wonder why I ever bothered? So much time wasted and nothing of any use to show for it. Why should I care, really, what most of these people think and want? What are they to me?
I suppose, in a way, I should care for Tim, but I don't feel anything for any of them. I wonder sometimes if that is good or bad or anything. I suppose it's not really good to care not at all, but then I realize there are things I care about. And that dream disturbed me so much...but I will write about that in a little while.
I feel a bit like things are slipping from my grasp, fading away like the shreds of Tir at first dawn, and I need to find some way to stabalize them before they are gone. Some way, perhaps, to anchor myself in some form of reality. All my old habits have been swept away, and I find myself rather painfully working to re-establish something of them. I start now by writing here in this much forgotten journal of mine, and this morning I even renewed my daily morning spell maintenance routine that I haven't bothered with for so long. These are two of my oldest and what used to be my most ingrained habits. Restoring them has given me a bit of the focus I thought so completely destroyed.
I feel no regret, you must realize, for betraying Injarda-o, though I suppose I could let Talen's dilemna bother me if I wanted. But the universe does not reward stupidity, and there is no intelligence in creating children in a war zone. She was already somewhat on the helpless side, being so easily wounded as she is, but now she has made herself vunerable as well. Stupid. I always thought the use of bearing children was to preserve a good lineage. Breeding with Injarda-o? He is a total unknown, though perhaps he is, as I suspect, a descendant of House Barimen, but even that is no great statement. Dworkin's mind being what it is. Talen herself has at least some decent genes, daughter of Llewella that she is, I would have thought they taught them better in Rebma. But then, we all know that Amber is truer to it's Chaotic roots than ever came the Courts. What can you expect, really, from a place founded by such a broken mind?
Ah, that leads my wandering thoughts to Random, dear Uncle Random. Arrogant stupid git. I had always respected him, thought him possessed of some wisdom and foresight. Now I know he is just another petulant child like the rest of them, my war-blinded Grandsire among them.
The nerve, the GALL, he has, ordering me to shed my blood on the Pattern of Ghenesh. As if I would risk laying down my life for the crown of Amber that hasn't shown me 10 minutes of consideration. Oh, he was considerate enough when I represented the Throne of Thelbane, but remove that title and his true face shines through. I am still Crown Princess of House Sawall, a position deserving of more than a little respect. That is something they have all conveniantly chosen to forget. I will remind them. I am the Emissary of the Serpent Which Hangs on the Tree of Life, no small consideration either. And yet that self-important fool demands my obediance and loyalty to the Throne of Amber! So much trouble I went to in order to establish and prove my Amber roots, and again I ask myself why did I bother? But I know that answer too.
The Courts put such a high value on lineage and heritage, such importance in tracing their roots and knowing just who is related to who. It constantly amazes me that my accidental companions either don't know or don't care. All my life I had to live with the shame of not being able to participate with full knowledge in that time-honored passtime of familial comparison. Even my damned brother Merlin was accorded all respect due for his heritage, Amber tainted as it is. Now I revel in the knowledge that he is as much a muddled confusion of genetics as I am, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Her father was Brand of Amber, they always said, though Dara refused to confirm this to me ever. And it was a thorn in my side, a constant reminder that no one was ever sure. But I've claimed the heritage they all thrust on me as best I could, and now I will claim it in deed as well as word. I will make Dara regret ever letting me live a lie. I hope she chokes on that shit-eating grin of hers. I have read Corwin's rambling, incompetant journals, I have listened well to all the tales and rumors, and I have seen the Keep. It is power they respect, is it? Then I will court power. I will go farther and deeper in to the secrets and mysteries than any before me, and I will show them all what real power is.
I have finally understood the words of my Patrons. You can never forget what you are they told me, and I have not forgotten. It was a hard won, hard learned lesson, but it is now so deeply ingrained that I will never forget it again. I may gather to myself all the methods of power I can master, but unlike Merlin I will not be an aimless jack of all trades. I will learn it all, but I will keep the core of my being first and foremost, and revel in the power afforded my by my true birthright through the Logrus.
But even more have I learned that power for it's own sake it devestating and destructive, it must have a goal and a direction. It must be tempered by wisdom and guided by well thought out plans. And I have learned to carefully consider my actions before I make them, to think each and every consequence through. These revelations did not occur to me at once, or overnight, but came out of a long time of rash action and the price I paid for each mistake and mistep. I will put down here, for the benefit of my own memory, what I can of those lessons, that I might not forget them as time goes forward. Historians have always said that history repeats itself over and over, and I will not become just another page in history.
And so, my preliminaries aside, I shall, as my dear father once said, bare the basics, bridle the beast unreason and wrest from murky mystery the pearl of sweetest sense. As I remember from where my journals left off, this is what has led me to where I now am...

Corvina's Journal's, The Story Continued

Journal chapters

The Fall of Ghenesh April 09, 1997

Shadow Storm April 23, 1997

Return to Corvina's Main Journal Directory

Return to Corvina's Court

Send a message to:
Lady Corvina I of the Courts of Chaos